Saturday, April 26, 2014

something is missing...let me think about it for a bit, come read as i do

the awkward thing is, i know i need to reach out to friends and express myself, but there's a dark place inside of me that is telling me not to. there's a big part of me that wants to just play things cool, even  if that's the wrong thing to do. and it really varies. everything i do in life, i have to have a certain something... i'm not even sure what i'm trying to tell...to get it right.

where is my consistency? i'm having trouble realizing when i should be warm and when i should be cool, and hot and cold likewise. my personality...i...have trouble keeping track of all the things i'm capable of. and of all the things i've done in the past, it seems i can't even do it all! and that frustrates me. i'm not telling that i'm always failing at things, not quite what i meant. i can certainly meet expectations or even surpass them, it really depends on the task and my capabilities.

what really bothers me is that the way circumstances change, the way not everything progresses in an ideal fashion...it's as if the older i get the more i lose of myself. i'm not losing myself, but i'm losing parts of me. illustratively, you can suppose that it happens to me more quickly than it does to others, and evidence for it is found in my skin itself. i do have psoriasis. so i literally lose my skin quickly. by my own imperfection am i losing parts of myself. and the losses do not stop at my complexion.

so what i do is adapt to circumstances. and i don't always adapt properly. i want to explain that everything is my fault, but i know that's not true. but in my heart i know something is holding me back. were it not for sin, i would know how to adapt properly. i wouldn't be in anguish over mistakes that i've made, for i wouldn't have made any.

one reason why it's so hard is limited understanding. i think that's what haunts me the most. there are so many times where i feel pressured by others or even myself to do things that are supposedly necessary but aren't necessary at all. and that takes away from chances to do the right things, things that will make a difference and show that i don't want to sin.

one thing that utterly drives me crazy in a way is the lack of communication towards me from old friends. i know it's unreasonable, but what happens is i think that god does not care what's going on if a human does not care what's going on. that is a sinful line of thought. but it happens time and time again. friendships don't seem real to me. but then i have to ask myself: how much of a friend have i been to others? what reason does someone else have to call me their friend? and i really start coming up short.

but there is a song i read the words for recently that is reminding me of a certain word that may be undervalued at the moment. hospitality, which is kindness to strangers. strangers? yes, people that are not your friends, not even acquaintances. how kind do you need to be to your friends if they're already doing just fine? should you not reserve kindness for strangers? and now i realize, i have been kind to friends all my life, sometimes too kind, perhaps more often than not if i dare say so.

what is the point? hospitality is a very simple thing that has the potential to make me a better person. i have various feelings and habits that have proven detrimental over the years, and it's about time i start dealing with those things appropriately. i can think of many occasions where the point of hospitality managed to pay off, and i can only imagine that had i managed to get a finer grasp on ways for me to apply the concept that my life would be more full and fun than it is now.

what i believe i'm getting at is that until now i think i've been somewhat clueless as to what people in general need. whether it's myself or someone else, we all need to experience kindness from others. and lots of it!