Summer is here and chives are back!

It's taken me some time but I've remembered things that I forgot about. Such as remembering that my favorite free bread that I got from a bakery that was offering samples was called Tomato Chive. After I decided to quit all nicotine foods(including potatoes and tomatoes but also cauliflower), I managed to remember that bread...how could I like that the most?... when there were a lot of other very good breads that they made, really fancy stuff, I don't remember near to them all, but there were a lot of tasty ones that I enjoyed. And it was all so many years ago. So I realized that I need to try chives again to find out if they'll be good for my body, and I ordered them and they've been great so far. I've also been trying other ingredients, like basil and dill weed. I don't really like dill weed, but basil is nice. I've been grinding up chives with sunflower kernels and putting it into the water for some dough. I've been so much healthier lately.

I've dared to drink lime juice again, and I'm even eating a little yogurt(I have to be really careful with this one because of sugar content, and ultimately I'm not sure if this is worth continuing to eat at this moment in time). I may stop eating cacao butter soon because I seem to have found a worthy replacement for it. Shea butter doesn't really smell better than it, but it is softer when not melted and is therefore a little easier to cook with. And it seems like my body is digesting it better. I'm not eating much meat. Every time I try it, I find it hard to eat only a little bit, and then I end up getting diarrhea. I think my pancreas(and who knows what else) is having a hard time handing all that. I am prepared to try and see if some medicine at the same time I take meat helps(such as lipase and protease).

My singing is getting back to normal, I can hear myself being able to sing at a good volume and clearly. It seems as though my dietary routine has been helpful in that regard. I haven't weighed myself lately but I wouldn't be surprised if I gained a couple pounds. I'm not in unheard of shape, but it's a reasonable level of health to be at considering my age and all that's happened before. I also got some ghee in case my body didn't like the shea butter, so I haven't tried it yet.

Fage is a brand of yogurt that I like because they have simpler style of yogurt making than other brands but I found it annoying to have to add lactase. Well now they have a lactose free version of their yogurt. It seems pretty good and my body isn't freaking out eating it but we are talking about more sugar than what I'm getting from lime juice or buck/hemp so I need to be careful how quickly I go through that. What I started doing is just putting it into a smaller container with a lid when I plan to eat it. This allows me to easily restrict my portion so I don't overeat it. I tried to do something like that with meat, but the method was a little off and my self-control wasn't there.

I'm not sure if it makes sense to keep eating yogurt or meat but if I am to eat these things I know it has to be in moderation. In any case, I have been enjoying my teff and/or buck herbal bread made from dough that I mix fresh every day and my body has been very thankful for this regular meal plan. There are a wide variety of ingredients I can put in, and I will cycle through different ones, depending on my discernment and guesswork and willingness to experiment. I want to eventually come up with some recipes so others can copy my food, but I'm not very disciplined with such a concept. I'm pleased that at least the shea butter has been very easy to cook with, so that might contribute a lot to my confidence in a recipe to be made.

Also wondering if I should maybe have 3 different recipes, one for teff flour, one for buck flour, and a third for both of them mixed together. That might be a good plan. But then I'd have to figure out what the various supporting ingredients should be. Might not be so easy to figure out. Even just cooking using different ingredients makes such a difference. For example, when I don't have buck in the dough, when I'm frying it all up, it all tends to break apart more quickly as I try to flip it, which leads to a lot of awkward flip-stirring that I normally don't have to do. Not sure what to do about that, there are some potential solutions, although I am not sure what they all are.

I've been drinking aloe vera juice daily as a way to make sure my digestive system has what it needs in case anything goes wrong, and it seems to help keep my skin in decent shape when everything's fine with the digestive system. I've cut back on the salt intake lately. I think I've realized that there's a chance that part of my fat absorption problem could be attributed to too much salt in my water IOW if I want to have water that's not diluting the salt very effectively then I need to make sure it's not around meal time, and that should in theory improve my fat absorption. That's the plan moving forward anyway. And over the past however many days it's been with me trying this, it seems like it might be making a good difference. It's hard to tell what's doing what with me taking in yogurt too, so I'm going to refrain from immediately rebuying yogurt when that's gone and see if anything changes for the better or for the worse after that.

The shilajit has been cheaper in recent months than it had been in the past, which is nice. I think it has helped me keep going in general. I don't know how much help the green tablets have been (chlorella and something else I forgot what) but I repurchased the reishi mushroom powder and it seems just as snack worthy as before. Believe it or not, I didn't finish the last bag because I lost it, but the other day after I already started to eat out of the new bag, I found the old one. I don't know if I'd call that a coincidence. Is this stuff helping me feel more energized or motivated? Maybe...

About the nicotine thing, in case I didn't mention it already, I was a big fan of corn chips and salsa for a long time. I also liked lots of different potato dish ideas, and I was even messing around with various potato soup ideas myself. I was the kind of person that would eat an entire pizza and back before I knew that gluten was bad for me, it was something that was very problematic. And yet I felt like I wasn't appreciating the long-term health effects of the wonderful potato soups that I would make. And I didn't really know why. I think it's because I went through withdrawal symptoms with them(Yeah, if you get headaches then isn't something wrong? So why would you feel worse after having amazing soup?). If I wasn't constantly eating these kinds of foods, then my body would freak out. Consider this, after I had quit eating potatoes for some time(maybe I was careful because they have small amounts of sugar in them) I was not getting headaches, but relatively soon after I would eat something with potatoes in it, I would get headaches. It was consistent. It even happened when I tried this sour cream alternative product that was really fancy that had a little bit of potato in it(to be fair it was so tasty I went through most of the container quite quickly) and it even happened with that! After that I knew, it was definitely a withdrawal reaction. So, even though I don't think I was getting that kind of withdrawal symptom from cauliflower, I decided to stop eating it anyway just in case! 

And so eventually I figured my foods needed a little something to replace the cauliflower, something vegetable-like and eventually I came up with the idea of trying chives. I don't know why I didn't buy chives sooner, they've been great for me. They smell so good, they remind me of onions(they are both alliums), and they help make crushing the sunflower kernels easier(they less frequently try to jump out of the grinding bowl) when I'm trying to grind them while the kernels likewise help to slice up the chives into smaller pieces. It's funny how Amazon stopped selling sunflower powder wasn't so bad a thing to happen to me since now I can just cut up chives at the same time I'm grinding the sunflower into a powder(granted it's not as fine as it probably should be, but generally good enough, especially as I get better at it and have enough patience for it).

I am currently trying to do this thing where I eat meals twice a day now. I'm hoping it will work out and who knows? Perhaps in the future I could make the meals grow in size if I think my body can handle that change and that could lead to me gaining some weight. I am not an expert at gaining weight and I've heard a lot of ideas for how you could do that but obviously not everyone is going to find such a thing easy and what works for other people may not work for a large percentage of people. In any case, I'm trying to listen to what my body wants and try to work in harmony with it, rather than trying to mold ideas from impressive people into my routine when I can instead help my body do better by appreciating its differences.

News - I previewed 2 games this winter and also...

 I was a playtester for Stormgate and a new game based on Faeria. If you are not familiar with either of those, Stormgate is a RTS game based loosely off of StarCraft 2 + Diablo + Warcraft 3 and a variety of other non-Blizzard games, and Faeria is a turn based strategy game that uses a dual player constructed board and cards. The new Faeria game is meant to be a 4Ex(a genre of game based off the 4 step process of exploring, expanding, exploiting, and exterminating) version of Faeria and looks quite interesting but it is a long way off from being completed so I can't really tell details. I don't really like any game in the genre yet(unless you count old Civilization 1&2 and Master of Orion 1&2), but this game may be the first.

 In any case, being able to see the early progress of such games is great and helps me to further identify with my new title of Spy. I am not about to do anything illegal like talk about details of games that I'm not authorized to talk about of course. In the meantime, I'm continuing to review games that I play and I thought now and here would be a good place to mention a new website.

 I'm going through and updating my games played listing to include links to reviews from me(whether on Steam or through some other means) and if you're wondering where this games played listing is it, it's a website called 'rankone' that was linked to me from a peer and here's the link to my profile. I don't know how long it'll take me but I think this site has a nice presentation and as long as they aren't censoring my 'thoughts about the game' sections then it should be fine.

 Moving forward, the latest game which I finished was Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth and I have an overall positive feeling about the game. But I'm not ready to review it yet. Please be patient while I prepare something. In the meantime, if you want a spoiler video, you can check out a new YT video that I shipped recently. If you want to watch something a lot shorter and with more action, feel free to check out my successful attempts through GreenOne's vertical LeveLHead course.

 In case I didn't link it from here before, the 'advertisement' for my Super Mario 3D Ray World has been the channel trailer for my YouTube channel and I might replace it as the channel trailer soon, so I might as well make sure it gets 'shouted out' because it's a fine one of many examples of my creativity in recent years.

 If any of these news paragraphs intrigue you, feel free to comment on them or ask questions about them on my Twitch channel where I broadcast some of my game playing and sometimes non-game related stuff as well.

update note

 Just a simple message to mention that today I changed my display name here from Doctor A. Ray to Spy A. Ray. Although my notes here are often of a medical nature and I'll continue to use this blog spot to post medical concerns, I would rather reference my newer title(self-given both) here.

Attemping to master my health

 So I have been attempting to master my health and I've been doing a lot of things right but I may have to go try shilajit again. It's super expensive but it seemed like it was helpful. Right now I think it would be a good timing to buy it again, I've purchased some of it twice and at the moment I'm actually doing very well but the one thing that's bothering me more than anything else right now is my digestive system keeps serving up diarrhea. I'll take diarrhea over constipation but there's got to be a way to put this down and I'm just not sure what it is. Anyway, I might come up with some more ideas later but for now I think I'm going to try the black goo.

 One thing I had been subjected to that took me by surprise was I scratched my cornea. Now I might have done this in the past and simply been less sensitive to this and not understood what was going on and really the healing duration that the body needs for this condition is so relatively short that I expect lots of people may do this to themselves without realizing it. I figured out that a way that I can avoid this happening to me in the future is to hold my head down when I clean the outside of my eyes after my body has been trying to get me to sleep(the body does this so you can properly engage REM sleep I think, whatever the case, it can happen theoretically if you're tired but not sleeping but it's generally irresponsible for you to clean your eyes before sleeping first because then you're draining your body of something it's just going to produce again anyway soon). Anyway, I seem to be getting sleepy more often than I would prefer and part of this may be attributed to my body's inability to process various foods correctly. 

 Part of me wonders if indeed we will have new ingredients for foods created during that 1000 year reign while Satan and his demons are in the abyss. It would potentially help us attain perfection faster like that's a long time but we are also so far from perfect we are going to need all the time we can get. I'm also wondering if it's going to even be normal for us to eat as much or sleep as much, that kind of thing in the future. Imagine just pooping more than we do today, or less for that matter. Or will we even just have full control over our bowel movements? I mean nobody does today right? Certainly there are people out there with superior control over their bowel movements compared to others but nobody has full control, do they? I don't know, that's not exactly an every day conversation in our culture.

 In any case, my worry over my pathetic control over my bowel movements is precisely why I'm worried about my ability to get and keep a job. But what's more frustrating than anything else is just not getting a chance to have some minor form of emotional validation from working at a job. Right now the only thing I can do is preach informally or show off videos games... I need to either find other things to occupy my time to get some more emotional validation or I need to figure out a way to get back my professionalism. 

Changed my Twitch TV alias!

 I am now found here as I have changed my alias to Spy Andrew. As a spy, it is my job to investigate games and report back on discoveries I made while playing them. This may include recommendations and reviews as well as analyses of game developer view points.

 My health has improved considerably in recent times. I am not very confident in what I can do but I do not struggle with the simplest task of every day life anymore, diet. A common vegetable, cauliflower helps keep my digestive system feeling good, and various other ingredients that I cook with are providing some good feelings.

 The weather is improving my condition now as well, with winter firmly behind us in this area. I took a much lower-than-usual temperature shower this week. I would like the opportunity to work again but so far it has eluded me. It has been more than 10 years since I had a paying job. I didn't think it was possible to even last this long without a job, and I also had no idea that physical recovery would be so difficult. 

 If not for my older, spiritual sister who has now perished, I may not be as healthy as I am now. She gave me a chance to live on my own without too much interference from toxic personalities. My family has been a great disappointment for me as my mother has admitted that even she is a source of disappointment for me in my life. But it doesn't stop at family! So many people are caught up in their own needs that they don't acknowledge mine.

 And I might just be part of the problem. When was the last time I asked someone if I could help them with something? I know so many people that I might or might not be able to help them with something, and what am I spending my time on? Playing games that most of them really don't care about in the slightest. I'm never busy doing anything, I'm just available and never get asked to do anything. I want people to ask me to do things. But perhaps my status is just too unbelievable for others.

 I suppose moving forward, my goal should be to change the minds of those around me, and prove that I am a valuable assistant. Because I really want to help others. I know I need a lot of help and I'm not getting it, but that doesn't mean I can't provide help to others that are willing to accept my help. It's a strange realization for me. That my time is not over simply because I have this willingness to do more. So what comes next? I can't tell you, it's undetermined. But I hope it happens soon.

The development of the pandemic and the decline in popularity of Super Mario Maker 2

 It's difficult for me to decide what to type in this post. I'm thinking so fast and yet I can't nor should I even dare to try to put it all down. I have been feeling abnormally lonely. And I think that's because I've been limited in my back and forth communications with other people. Circumstances being what they are around the world, I sense a general lack of interest in the content I'm making on Twitch. Some would say, move on with your life, there are other things you can do. But there really aren't. 

 I've been doing a lot of thinking. Everything we experience is some sort of communication. Whether it's something man has built or the maker of the world has built. Sometimes the communication is difficult to understand, especially if people are intentionally or unintentionally lying. Some philosophers might argue that it's  possible that nearly everything or indeed everything we ever say is some sort of lie. This may be extreme, but it's a bit humbling perhaps in a proper sense to acknowledge that we are imperfect.

 Building stuff in Super Mario Maker 2(SMM2) has been a way for me to communicate ideas to other players. And some players have done the same for me as a streamer, shared their ideas. This has helped me deal with my loneliness. But now that Super Mario Maker 2 is not very popular, I'm experiencing some withdrawal from having my loneliness somewhat dispelled? Is that what I'm going to call it? Hmm, I'm not sure how accurate that is. Can someone be addicted to not being lonely? Maybe I have an imbalance in my hormones. Better add that to the list of things that's wrong with me.

 I'm not the only one that streams in order to not be lonely. But you know what? Streaming isn't really all that helpful to making me not be lonely. I streamed over 150 hours in the past 30 days...that's almost the standard 40 hours a week...and I didn't feel like it was as productive for dispelling loneliness as it used to be, even when I put more time into it than I had previously. Maybe it helps the few viewers that actually show up to my stream. By my stats, 3 people out of 413 who had notifications turned on tuned into the channel, and throughout my 140 minute broadcast of Super Mario Maker 2, it was revealed that each of those three watched the show for about 42 minutes. Some of these aren't even bad numbers to be honest.

 What concerns me more are the differences between numbers such as 413 and 3. The 413 people are following users that have notifications turned on. Okay so that's 0.7 percent. Less than one percent. And if you change that number to 1110 people, which is the total number of following users, it drops to 0.2 percent. My average viewer count was 0.9 viewers. If even one third of the one third of people that get notifications actually did the same as the other 3 viewers, I can expect that my average viewer count would be... around 130. Which is quite frankly beyond the requirement for partnered streamers.

 So why are so many people online feigning, or pretending if you will, to support small streamers? Maybe they get some sick satisfaction from it, I don't know. But it's unfortunate that it is so incredibly common for people to just prefer someone else and instead of being honest about that, they have to go and act like they want to spend time with the people that don't like as much, when they really don't feel that way. I suppose it's because they want to not 'get on your bad side' if they were to treat you poorly but in the end they are just putting a false hope on the streamer that they might be a friend or whatever.

 Twitch has been so disappointing to me lately, that I think I might change my username on Twitch. I've been calling myself RayTeamStrategy and so have many others. And my lack of doing well as an affiliate is making me reconsider my username. First of all, I have nothing against Team Strategy games such as LoL, Pokemon Unite, and so on. I'm actually regularly playing them, believe it or not. However I can admit they can be stressful at times and therefore I feel like I must play them in moderation. Unfortunately, the moderation levels are so strict that I'm unable to actually make a decently competitive footprint if you will in the resetting ranking systems. I don't know what kind of ranking system exactly Pokemon Unite has, but if it's like Shadowverse where the ranks don't actually reset(get lowered automatically so players can climb again) regularly then I guess everything will be fine in regards to that. So, I like these games, but I don't feel like I've become known for them, and I feel like there's a disconnect between my username and my identity to other people.

 So, I feel like I should just change RayTeamStrategy to DisappointedRay. I remember when my mom was responding to my requests for her to give watching Twitch TV a try and to chat with me on my channel she had to tell me that she is a disappointment. Which might be a little harsh, but perhaps she's right. Seems like the majority of people are a disappointment to me. Whether or not that's fair to call a PERSON THAT...like she did...personally I'm leaning towards no...it's undeniable that circumstances being what they are has led me to being a very, very, very disappointed person.

 I like using different usernames sometimes. Particularly when gaming. And I think it's time to rebrand myself on twitch. I kind of wanted to keep my username in case Pokemon Unite was everything I could have asked for in a game and more but to be honest... I feel more like a variety streamer at my core than anything else, and I don't want to grind the ranks of various games to make a name for myself. I don't mind some competition in general, but the levels of competitive effort you have to apply to games just doesn't allow me to keep my interests broadened when it comes to gaming and I feel like I want to communicate to as many people as possible, even if that means it's harder to get loyal viewers. 

 I want to try to rediscover who I am as a lot of the time I feel peer pressure to do things the way other people are doing them and whether or not that's a good idea I feel like I'm not those people and while I don't necessarily want to rebel against whatever's meta to do, I still need to honor the concept of doing things my own way, especially when it comes to my TV content.

 There are a lot of changes happening with my various sources of content, whether it's my YouTube, or my Twitch, or something from some game that I've been working on. I'm trying to think more, and act less, in order to improve the quality of the energy I spend each day. This isn't easy, and I don't think I'm as successful as I'd like to be. Especially considering how downright traitorous some Twitch users can seem to be from time to time. I feel like it's at least for me, a better use of my time to spend less time trying to be others' friend and more time trying to help myself out or being my own friend for lack of a better phrase.

 One of the big changes I'm making is that I'm making it so archived videos on my TV channel are only accessible to subscribers. I'm also doing reruns on my channel now which will be running highlights or previous streams so that viewers can still see some stuff, especially if there wasn't anything in particular they wanted to watch. An important thing to keep in mind is that in order to gather viewers, the streamer needs people showing up to the live shows. In all of 2020, and 2021, I have not kept up affiliate requirement numbers. I haven't even been halfway there. And monetary contributions are practically non-existent, but that's not necessarily the issue(if past broadcaster viewers were generous contributors there would be no problem). The issue is I need to prod viewers that just settle for watching past broadcasts, however few they may be into watching my live shows. I have zero problem with people watching my past broadcasts for free on an ethical basis but the problem is the numbers have been unacceptably low all things considered, and doing these reruns and locking down the past broadcasts, while not getting me my numbers back, has shown a mild increase  in the numbers. To clarify, these numbers are absolutely nothing to brag about, as I cover quite thoroughly in my latest YouTube video that is 61 percent done uploading as I type this...but I feel like I have restored those numbers to a point where I'm not feeling massively ashamed for being essentially labeled as a worthless broadcaster by the majority of the community.

 Is the community worth fighting for? No, of course not. Have I been trying to fight for it? Eh, maybe. In any case, and before I type anything else let me clarify, I don't know what it would like like to do such a thing anyway, so I don't know how to analyze my own behavior in that context, but I'm leaning towards I might have been doing that...I think I should not fight for the viewers. What I mean is I should just do what I think is right and ignore feedback. None of the feedback I get is useful anyway. Much of it is lies and the feedback bits that aren't lies are irrelevant information provided for unknown reasons.

 Like the other day, someone showed up to my LoZ:SS stream on a Saturday at the start of the stream. Then they got out of the stream and didn't come back at all. I noticed a shockingly low average viewer count afterwards that exposes that at the very least I received irrelevant information when the parent  told me that the child enjoys LoZ when they showed up 2 days in a row and fled the Zelda stream. So you show up to the stream at the start and nobody was watching the entire time...nobody. I know I've never streamed a Zelda game before that moment and that the pandemic is making things very competitive on Twitch at the moment, but I am not sure that viewer realizes the embarrassment potential for me being teased about potentially getting someone to watch the show and then come to find out EVERYONE wasn't interested in it.

 I make a lot of mistakes, sometimes I stream a game nobody wants to watch me play. That's fine. But I would appreciate more communication/honesty from the community in general. Unfortunately it appears as if I'm never going to get it and I'm just going to have to figure out how I want to deal with it. 

 I was tempted to try to make Pokemon Unite my next attempt at growing the channel, but it's clear to see that I haven't really harvested anything meaningful as far as viewer numbers go from playing SMM2. I don't feel confident that it will be worth my time to spend an easily regrettable amount of time on that game in particular. However, with that in mind, I still think it would be worth it to reanalyze my streaming schedule and make plans for Pokemon Unite to get a guaranteed day to be played. On the other hand I'm not sure if making a schedule is even a good idea. Well, when I became an affiliate I had a decent schedule going on, but I was modifying it from time to time slightly to make adjustments for associates that could direct me to 'fill in for them' if you get what I mean. On Twitch there is this feature where streamers can send viewers off to hang out with a different streamer and by rearranging a schedule one can get those viewers in there and that is a certain kind of boost that helped me to get affiliate in the first place. Unfortunately, despite how popular such streamers may have been, they have either lost interest in SMM2 or Twitch TV in general and are essentially no long my associates. I feel quite lonely as a result.

 Maybe this is what it's like more or less to be dating someone or even married and then break up or divorce. I get some viewers for a few months and then I got a year and a half feeling sorry for myself before I get a new date? And that's what Pokemon Unite is supposed to be for me? I mean I guess it's not a bad idea, but I am not sure what I should do about that. I think I'd rather just be a variety streamer. I don't know if this is the correct decision, maybe I'll always be a failure as a variety streamer. So I need to take some time to think about what to do next. I've considered attempting to salvage my current username just in case the new name change doesn't feel like it's delivering and/or I actually start feeling proud of my Unite accomplishments and want to solidify an identity better by taking back my old name. I can do this by renaming my alternate account but there's also the possibility that instead of using the new name idea of DisappointedRay that I could use the name CoinGang instead. Well, technically it's CoinGangBot, I'm not sure if CoinGang as a name is available, or even if the DR name is for that matter. I don't think I'm in love with the CoinGame name... maybe it would have been nice before I learned about Levelhead but yeah, I think ArtisticRay or DisappointedRay would be better. I guess Disappointed is too...not positive. But I have to change my name to something. I'm going to put RTS as a username on hold, at least for Twitch anyway. I feel like I have no choice.

 So, I guess this is where I drop some links and tell you all that I'm trying to rebrand and the Twitch channel link in particular may be updated later based on whatever I happen to decide. I just hope I remember to update it promptly.

TV channel 

Free discussion server 

Public messages profile

I realize I have left out a link to the YouTube channel or the new video, but I suppose this is fine. You can find it through my Twitch TV channel if you click around for it or type !youtube in the chat.

 The pandemic has been a strange thing. It doesn't feel like it affects me IRL but I suppose it affects everyone even if they don't feel like it does. Well, for one thing it took more than a month for me to get my new PC this year when I ordered it. I try to not worry about things I can't control but in any case, I want to make it clear that I don't think I'm in any particular danger from the virus and I don't feel any necessity to get vaccinated at this point in time. I keep to myself and don't even have a real job in real life(IRL). So the idea of me worrying about getting sick and dying just doesn't even make a bit of sense. However, I have to mention I am proud of myself that I pushed myself to finish making my newest Super Mario Maker 2 Superworld. It is a solid piece of work I think and well, it might not be a wild hit, and the game may not have much of a community to appreciate it anymore, but I think this game is relatively timeless and that if people want to make returns to the game they can have some enjoyment out of such curated content.

 I want to live each day thinking I might not be alive tomorrow. I'm not trying to hurry to my death, just trying to avoid wasting time. So that's why I'm not trying as hard as I could be to see growth on my channel, or else I would have been playing Pokemon Unite every day instead of how much I have been. I feel like I want to lean more into the artistic side of my personality, because my imagination when put to work can deliver some fun experiences.

 And now that I type that I realize that this could be an instance of me trying to make myself feel better in a roundabout way. Maybe I'm denying the idea that I could be afraid of failure when considering Pokemon Unite. And I think there is some truth to this suspicion. It's like trying to ask someone out on a date. Maybe you don't even do it because you are worried you're going to be rejected, as I was by the SMM2 community. As I was by the Dota 2 community before that. These rejections lead to disappointment.

 I like both name ideas. Part of me wants to try to be as positive as possible and another part of me just wants to be as honest as possible. I'm going to have to side with honesty.

New opportunities and new apprehensions

 Over the past few years, my voice has been heard and my words have been read by powerful people from time to time. My highest viewed video on YouTube reached over 750. I drew Twitch staff's attention to a chat history functionality that a third party website was offering to select paying customers for added security for TV channels on that website and they decided to add this feature to the clients automatically and for free, but it is only visible by authorized individuals instead of everyone(for moderation purposes). I made some poor audio quality Saga Frontier playthrough videos and I successfully predicted Saga Frontier Remaster coming to Switch and it will be ready to play in April. 

 Am I worthy of the title influencer? Most certainly not! Would I ever be? I do not know. But it is clear that I am a noteworthy individual. Am I exceptional? It would appear most people on the internet do not think so. But that doesn't stop me from being what I am and being true to myself and those who believe in me. And I can assure you, that I will never have an interest in dishonestly manipulating other people, unlike many of the influencers I've seen online.

 Sometimes disgusting things happen, and whether they are important or not changes from person to person, and from disgusting thing to disgusting thing. I debated with myself often whether I should post some sort of shame video on YouTube since it's not something that's forbidden and this year I finally did just that. I am proud of myself for doing it. I'm not sure when I'll make another video like that or what it would be about, but it's somewhat likely that I'll continue to make such videos.

 Sometimes exciting things happen. Starcraft 2's story coming to fans was one such exciting thing. The multiplayer design was a disaster IMB(in my book), but that didn't stop me from appreciating what we got that was good. This year I think I will purchase the remastered version of Starcraft: Broodwar so that I can gain access to ranked play. If any of you are on the fence about that, we could play private matches on the new ranked maps to help you decide.

 Other exciting things are the plethora of games coming out that look quite interesting. Project Triangle Strategy released a Demo(which I've already played, it has replayability but I declined to replay it so as to save storage space) and it looks a lot like Pokemon Conquest and Final Fantasy Tactics and Saga Frontier 2 and Octopath Traveller. Presumed to be made by the same development team that worked on Octopath Traveller.

 The next numbered platforming adventure in the Crash Bandicoot series is finally coming to Nintendo Switch, which has been my most used gaming platform since I started playing Super Mario Maker 2. Playstation 2 and 3 game development actually skipped such an adventure, choosing instead to try out a bunch of experimental game designs that were hit or miss. I've briefly previewed someone playing this game on Playstation 4 and I'm pleased to report that it looks just as intriguing as the good old games.

 And of course, this month, the Green Star grabbing game, Super Mario 3D World game came out on the Switch and I've been playing it. And it's so much fun. I decided to do a sort of celebration for it. I figured it would be fun with lots of cool ideas and so far it has not disappointed. I'm not done playing the game yet, but it's been an interesting ride, and apparently full of optional challenges and comes with optional cheats as well, so as to be interesting to all skill levels of players. I don't regret deciding to unlock all the rest of the emotes, and it was also a way for me to reinvest in the stream because I had not ever gifted a single subscription before I got my first payout. Of course I proposed that viewers help with the cost of the emotes, but ultimately it was up to me to make sure the goal that I set was met and I fulfilled the majority of the obligation myself. And since the government has been giving just about everyone some money to help build the economy, who am I to tell them that I should not invest the money they've been sending me?

 It's worth noting that I predicted SM3DW game was coming to Switch, also. But I did not anticipate the announcement of Bowser's Fury. And I haven't had the chance to play this new attachment release yet, but rest assured, I will soon. And this explains what Nintendo had been doing with Mario after all this time since Odyssey. SMO was really good by the way. And so was NSMBU Deluxe. Still working on post game content for those games, however. Definitely planning to 100 percent NSMBU and NLU.

 The celebration for Saga Frontier is coming also. And like when I celebrated SM3DW, I am hosting a SMM2 course making contest. However, I can't be as generous as I was then with gift subs. Honestly, that was a one time thing. But I am resolved to gift a tier 3 subscription to the winner for any Twitch TV channel they want. It's an often underutilized subscription tier, but there are some partnered streamers out there that have fantastic emotes, and I'm doing a nod to them by obligating myself to this proposal. If you do not know, partnered streamers are able to offer a greater quantity of emotes to their subscribers than affiliated streamers. And this quantity extends to tier 2 and tier 3 emotes of course. As it is, the winner of the previous contest chose to get their gift to my channel, since they knew that a portion of the money would go to my channel directly, while the rest goes to Twitch.

 

 My physical health and my diet are difficult for me to talk about, but originally I made this blog so that I would not have to repeat myself about this kind of thing so for this log I will also discuss these things.

 This winter, when around the time when the snow hit, I got constipated. Now, I ended up having a sort of explosion of liquid coming from my bladder as it was full. I do not believe my colon was full, as I was led to fear that it was as has happened many times in the past. However, at one point or another I had eaten some refried beans and they were not digested very well. Furthermore, they made me feel like my colon was crammed too tightly with beans as if it was a can of beans itself. It was extremely disturbing of course but it wasn't a particularly new experience for me. The new part was the bladder fullness feeling. Although I have to say, the pain all around was extremely hard to bear and I wished I could just die without pain. I doubt that will happen. If I die, I will presumably be in a lot of pain. It's grim to think about, but I suppose the will to live and do good is strong enough that the pain cannot be dulled. Any attempt to dull the pain just ends up in failure if not outright backfiring.

 In any case, I believe it is moderately plausible that I have type 1 Diabetes, if type 1 Diabetes even exists the way doctors think it does. There are a few problems here. One problem is I don't want to inject myself with insulin. Another is that sugar isn't the only thing that can be problematic for me. But everything I know about it fits what's wrong with me. The problem is that there's a lot more to it than that. So, I'm resolving to try to eat as healthily as I can. And one of the ways I'm improving my diet is to add sunflower oil to some vegetables and fry them. Instead of just eating them without additional fat content. I'm also trying to be more careful about ingesting herbs and peppers since they have helped problems along more often than solving them. I would go into more detail about it, but I do not have conclusive information on these things at the moment. 

 Another thing I started eating recently was sunflower butter. And I'm not joking when I say it looks and smells like peanut butter. I stopped eating peanut butter because well there was a time when that was the only thing in the house that we hadn't eaten that could be eaten as it was. Back when my parents were distracted and hadn't been giving us enough food each week. Food is very complicated. Perhaps through overeating of that particular source of protein I developed an emotional aversion, or perhaps it is something else. But for whatever reason, so far this SFB has been good to me.

 I've tried and tried to take in milk, whether whole or not, whether lactose free or not, and I keep getting similar results. My body doesn't want the sugar in the milk. I can only say that this has to be attributed to my 'type 1 Diabetes' or similar illness. My body goes through some really annoying experiences when I consume some sugar that doesn't agree with me. And it seems like it's especially bothersome when it comes to tapioca and nuts. And that includes sugar from peanuts. I did an experiment recently, I had 2 packs of spinach, and I ate one with some cane juice(derived from a can of fruit, in this case blueberries, but that's not particularly relevant since I've determined that blueberry sugar is safe to eat for me or at least safer than other kinds), and another with sunflower oil. Now, spinach naturally has some sugar in it, but my body seems to be able to handle it just fine when I eat it alone. In fact, it really appreciates it. I'm not sure how helpful or how neutral adding oil to it is, but it's clear to me from the experiment that it's better than adding cane to it. My body was actually surprisingly fast about purging the cane, probably because it was eaten with the fiber from the spinach.

 I do not pretend to understand what type 2 diabetes is, but I've been watching some YouTube videos, and if what I'm being told is true, it sounds like 'a typical diabetes sufferer' has a problem of self-control that I do not have. They can eat sugar and gain weight. They can also get energy from exercising. It is argued that they have trouble losing weight because their stored fat does not get recognized as a source of energy from their bodies. But that doesn't sound like an illness to me, just an overabundance of food. They say that if you stop eating, or better yet, stop eating sugar, you can keep on using fat and protein as nutrients. I think this talk is primarily directed at hunger issues. Your body is hungry so even though it has energy, it's blind to it. If you fast long enough, your body will adapt and start consuming the fat you have built up in your body.

 If all of that is true, then type 2 Diabetes as far as I can tell does not deserve to be acknowledged as a condition. How is it any different from a properly working weight managed body? The properly working weight managed body can recognize all sources of food energy. I am pretty sure my body can't do that. All a type 2 Diabetic needs to do is stop eating? That's a joke of an illness if I've ever heard one.

 Now, part of me wonders, is it possible that my type 1 Diabetes condition or whatever you want to call it is also self-inflicted? Would that be, then it would also be possible that aside from takin insulin to be okay? If it were a simple matter of these conditions being opposites to each other, then you'd think that would be true but it does not appear to be. But what's more concerning is a general lack of sensitivity to the dietary needs of someone like me.

 Now, I remember being recommended to me to try Amaranth flour and so I did. People argued that skinnier people just need lots of carbohydrates and to be perfectly honest, even though I went through an entire pound of that stuff, it really didn't seem to help my body, it kind of felt worse. And the awkward thing is that it's not like I thought it tasted bad. My conclusion is that my body doesn't really want carbohydrates that much and it would rather have protein/fat primarily. That might have something to do with some sort of anti-sugar thing but the question is, is this really involving the pancreas being attacked by my own immune system? I don't know, and even if it does, can't I do something to help the pancreas besides just taking insulin as some sort of cheat code? Wouldn't taking the cheat code do more harm than good?

 What I know for sure is that often times, medical practices do not address core issues, they address superficial issues. And I suspect the same is the case with insulin. Unfortunately, at least in the English speaking repository of knowledge that we have on the internet, as far as I can tell, there is no alternative treatment. And this is a seriously big deal so I guess at least for now, I'm on my own for figuring out a way out of this mess.

 But at the same time I can't be too optimistic. Even if there is a way to reverse the condition, there's no telling how long it would take to figure it out. I wonder what people that take insulin think about type 1 Diabetes. I feel like the people that realize they have this condition are in a great minority among the world. Most people seem to have no problem gaining weight and is insulin injection just another path to gain weight? I don't even know, there are a lot of unanswered questions right now, and I should probably try to do some more research before I conclude that I have that condition.

 It's hard to find reliable information about this stuff. As an example, I'm very allergic to the sugar in such things as apples and grapes, just as I am to it in tapioca. And such things are actually on a list to help the pancreas be healthy. Various suggestions to improve health are probably worse than batting averages.

 I will continue to try to be healthier and in the meantime I will continue to share some of my experiences with anyone that would like to find out about them. That might include some video editing, but most of what I've been doing lately is streaming Twitch because that is something that is a lot easier for me. However, if you would like to get together with me and talk about video editing ideas or help me with the process, you're more than welcome to chat with me about it on my communications server.  You can also just join the server if you want to chat about things in the web log in general.