update note

 Just a simple message to mention that today I changed my display name here from Doctor A. Ray to Spy A. Ray. Although my notes here are often of a medical nature and I'll continue to use this blog spot to post medical concerns, I would rather reference my newer title(self-given both) here.

Attemping to master my health

 So I have been attempting to master my health and I've been doing a lot of things right but I may have to go try shilajit again. It's super expensive but it seemed like it was helpful. Right now I think it would be a good timing to buy it again, I've purchased some of it twice and at the moment I'm actually doing very well but the one thing that's bothering me more than anything else right now is my digestive system keeps serving up diarrhea. I'll take diarrhea over constipation but there's got to be a way to put this down and I'm just not sure what it is. Anyway, I might come up with some more ideas later but for now I think I'm going to try the black goo.

 One thing I had been subjected to that took me by surprise was I scratched my cornea. Now I might have done this in the past and simply been less sensitive to this and not understood what was going on and really the healing duration that the body needs for this condition is so relatively short that I expect lots of people may do this to themselves without realizing it. I figured out that a way that I can avoid this happening to me in the future is to hold my head down when I clean the outside of my eyes after my body has been trying to get me to sleep(the body does this so you can properly engage REM sleep I think, whatever the case, it can happen theoretically if you're tired but not sleeping but it's generally irresponsible for you to clean your eyes before sleeping first because then you're draining your body of something it's just going to produce again anyway soon). Anyway, I seem to be getting sleepy more often than I would prefer and part of this may be attributed to my body's inability to process various foods correctly. 

 Part of me wonders if indeed we will have new ingredients for foods created during that 1000 year reign while Satan and his demons are in the abyss. It would potentially help us attain perfection faster like that's a long time but we are also so far from perfect we are going to need all the time we can get. I'm also wondering if it's going to even be normal for us to eat as much or sleep as much, that kind of thing in the future. Imagine just pooping more than we do today, or less for that matter. Or will we even just have full control over our bowel movements? I mean nobody does today right? Certainly there are people out there with superior control over their bowel movements compared to others but nobody has full control, do they? I don't know, that's not exactly an every day conversation in our culture.

 In any case, my worry over my pathetic control over my bowel movements is precisely why I'm worried about my ability to get and keep a job. But what's more frustrating than anything else is just not getting a chance to have some minor form of emotional validation from working at a job. Right now the only thing I can do is preach informally or show off videos games... I need to either find other things to occupy my time to get some more emotional validation or I need to figure out a way to get back my professionalism. 

Changed my Twitch TV alias!

 I am now found here as I have changed my alias to Spy Andrew. As a spy, it is my job to investigate games and report back on discoveries I made while playing them. This may include recommendations and reviews as well as analyses of game developer view points.

 My health has improved considerably in recent times. I am not very confident in what I can do but I do not struggle with the simplest task of every day life anymore, diet. A common vegetable, cauliflower helps keep my digestive system feeling good, and various other ingredients that I cook with are providing some good feelings.

 The weather is improving my condition now as well, with winter firmly behind us in this area. I took a much lower-than-usual temperature shower this week. I would like the opportunity to work again but so far it has eluded me. It has been more than 10 years since I had a paying job. I didn't think it was possible to even last this long without a job, and I also had no idea that physical recovery would be so difficult. 

 If not for my older, spiritual sister who has now perished, I may not be as healthy as I am now. She gave me a chance to live on my own without too much interference from toxic personalities. My family has been a great disappointment for me as my mother has admitted that even she is a source of disappointment for me in my life. But it doesn't stop at family! So many people are caught up in their own needs that they don't acknowledge mine.

 And I might just be part of the problem. When was the last time I asked someone if I could help them with something? I know so many people that I might or might not be able to help them with something, and what am I spending my time on? Playing games that most of them really don't care about in the slightest. I'm never busy doing anything, I'm just available and never get asked to do anything. I want people to ask me to do things. But perhaps my status is just too unbelievable for others.

 I suppose moving forward, my goal should be to change the minds of those around me, and prove that I am a valuable assistant. Because I really want to help others. I know I need a lot of help and I'm not getting it, but that doesn't mean I can't provide help to others that are willing to accept my help. It's a strange realization for me. That my time is not over simply because I have this willingness to do more. So what comes next? I can't tell you, it's undetermined. But I hope it happens soon.