Health update: leg feels dead to me

 In a surprising turn of events, I don't know if it's from my attempts at eating sweat potato powder and cabbage powder, or simply consuming too much 'organ meat' in the form of cod liver, but whatever the case, I have seen a return of ulcers to my legs which is the most obvious visual sign that something's wrong with them.

More importantly, there are some rather alarming developments. My right leg in particular has a lot of yellow on it. It's hard to see unless the lighting is bright enough, but normal power sunlight(haha we live in Washington State) should be enough to illuminate it. I haven't really noticed any yellow on my left leg. I'm going to guess that perhaps without my noticing it, walking around caused my leg to bruise all over and that bruising turned to yellow. I can't see through my own pants, so this is just a theory. In any case, I have some bruising that hasn't turned yellow, it still seems very fresh, and it's high up on my thighs and in the back where I normally can't see it, unless I use a mirror or some other sort of device, like a camera with my hand putting it into position.

The bruising is so massive that I'm surprised that I haven't been able to notice it sooner. Why wouldn't I check there you may ask? I simply wasn't being thorough. I wasn't feeling any pain there, so I had no reason to check. Or if I was feeling pain, it was a low enough amount that it was going ignored.

In any case, it seems clear that I should stop attempting to do things how i was doing them before. Current research suggests I am dealing with such things as Chronic Veinous Insufficiency and also Deep Vein Thrombosis. I have attempted to adjust my posture throughout the day but it seems to provide little comfort. It feels like my last days are finally upon me. It was not a fun 4 decades, and if i make it to 5 decades old, I am imagining that nothing new and interesting will happen in my life. So now I resonate more fully with Gustave from Expedition 33 "For those who come after" the man went on a mission determined to succeed but taking precautions so that even if he fails, others can learn/benefit from his experience. It was a simple sentiment, to live for others. And it looks like that is all that's left for me now.

I have been putting off writing a book for ages. My health is so bad I'm not even sure how practical it is for me to attempt something like that. But to not attempt to do so would be disrespectful to all who live I suppose. I feel a lot of pressure, and I don't think I can bear it alone.